I’m alone. I’m in company with myself. My thoughts, my consciousness are my only companions. Between these four walls, I’m isolated from the life I used to live. I’m removed from what was and what will never be.
In this place, change is nowhere to be found. Everyday is the same, constant. Each Cloned Day blurs into one. And in this oneness, I’m alone.
Light shining through and eventually fading from my window are my only reminders that Time is indeed changing. Without any consideration, Time passes and pays little to no attention to the mess that stirs deep inside.
This routine blandness is overwhelming.
Alarm. Medication. Pain. Exhaustion. Sleep. Repeat.
Alarm. Medication. Pain. Exhaustion. Sleep. Repeat.
My invisible monster is no longer hidden. In this quarantine, it is vivid now more than ever. A reflection of my inner self is visible. My already quarantined mind transitions into this new world seamlessly.
My dear friend, Epilepsy, fits in perfectly. And it takes on an almost tangible form because this quarantine is no different from the one I was already living in.
Managing life with epilepsy isn’t easy. Darkness tries to dim the light. There are more blues than yellows. You fail to see the ups and focus on the downs. The struggle is always going to be there. And in these times, it’s easy to feel alone and forgotten. We just need to remind ourselves that we are stronger than epilepsy.
One moment is all it takes for your life to change.
One moment is all it takes for your heart to break.
In one moment, your mind painfully takes over.
In one moment, your body seizes and loses control.
Overtime, you’ll come to feel lonely and defeated.
Overtime, you’ll regain some normalcy and hope.
And then you’re shattered once again.
And the journey seems far from over.
One moment erases all your progress.
One moment hurts and makes you cry.
In one moment, you’ve gone from whole to broken.
In one moment, you’ve lost what you worked hard to gain.
Overtime, you’ll feel even more alone and beaten.
Overtime, you’ll slowly regain some confidence and joy.
And seasons will never stop turning.
And there will be fewer ups than downs.
Wherever you are, you don’t have to let that one moment define you.
Whatever path you’re on, know someone else is along the same trail.
There is a new tomorrow so let’s travel hand in hand.
The journey is always easier when there is more than just one.
Twenty-six people living ordinary lives.
Some learning to walk for the very first time.
Others with wrinkles around their eyes.
All filled with dreams waiting to be realized.
Then, one of those twenty-six is caught off guard.
Their greens turned red. Their ups turned upside down.
Their life taken away by a silent, electrical terrorist.
One in twenty-six people will hear three life changing words.
You have epilepsy.
I’m the one in 26.
I will always be tired.
I will always have a foggy memory.
I will always be a tiny bit moody.
I will always wonder why.
But I will never give up.
I will fight for the next one in twenty-six.
I will be there to offer a helping hand.
Living with epilepsy isn’t easy, but it hasn’t been all bad. I’ve learned how strong I can truly be, and how I can make a difference. This past month, I was able to offer some advice to a girl who had just been diagnosed. Being able to help her make sense of everything and guide her through this difficult time has made every painful moment worthwhile. If I had decided not to get back up all those times I thought I couldn’t, I wouldn’t be able to offer her solace today. Sticking it out is difficult, but never impossible. Today I reflect on that.
Everyday we learn new things. Our surroundings make us look at things in a different way. What we hear shapes our thoughts and opinions. Whether we learn something good or bad, everything we perceive is processed. Visual, acoustic and tactile perceptions are encoded and become part of our short-term and even long-term memories.
Last week, I learned something VERY important. Okay, maybe it’s not that important, but something worth mentioning. It’s the last piece of solid advice my old boss passed down to me. So what is this great piece of wisdom he bestowed on me? Well, here it goes.
Everyone hates Mondays. They are terrible because the fun has come to an end, and we must carry on with our adult responsibilities. Plus, who can possibly love a day that marks the conclusion of happy times?
On Tuesday, everyone has just survived Monday, but the long week is still ahead. Friday can’t even be seen in the distance.
On Wednesday, everyone is like “Yass, it’s humpday!” We’re almost there, and the worst is far behind us.
On Thursday, you can see the finish line! Friday Jr is here, and freedom is just around the corner.
On Friday, everyone is FRIYAY! We have those Friday feelings, and the finish line to happy hour is finally here.
In conclusion, there is no point to Tuesday. It is by far the worst day of the week, and it simply sucks!
The atmosphere is but a blank canvas. Color exists only in the form of charcoal grays. I’m standing in the middle of nowhere where the mountains are my only companions.
I tip toe across this rocky terrain hoping not to fall through the cracks. In this place, I’m searching for the girl I used to know. I’m looking to find traces of her existence that might still remain. Continue reading
Sometimes there are no words to describe your thoughts because they are a jumbled up mess. Sometimes curve balls get thrown your way, and you can’t dodge them. Sometimes you feel so lost that there is no way of finding your way back. Then, from out of nowhere, there is a tiny ray of light shining through the dark clouds. There is someone out there who makes you feel like you aren’t alone and everything is going to be alright. Continue reading
To the Sun and the Moon,
The light escapes me.
Which one comes first?
Why do we belong with the Day and not the Night?
Who’s to say we can’t live in your world?
Who’s to say we don’t quite fit in?
With those big glowing eyes, you can see hidden life.
You can see moments that light cannot capture.
You can see the beauty amongst the shadows and the darkness.
I wish I could see the beauty of both worlds like you do.
Time does not yield, much less stop.
It’s always moving
It’s always passing.
Time isn’t something we can hold onto.
It isn’t tangible.
It isn’t reversible.
Time doesn’t tell us how much we’ve been given.
It could be today or tomorrow.
It could be years from now.
Time is a mystery so we should live it like tomorrow might never come.
How do you live with a monster in your head?
How do you continue when it tries to knock you dead?
I’ve found myself caught between two worlds.
There’s the easygoing Dr. Jekyll.
And there’s the frightening Mrs. Hyde.
Jekyll and Hyde.
Which one really am I?
I can’t control the latter.
I want to hold onto the former.
When there is no solution, there are two things you can do.
You can succumb to the maddening sadness and let it take its toll.
Or you can make the best of the situation with all your heart and soul.
My Monday Reflections:
We never know what cards we will be dealt with, but it’s fruitless spending our energy trying to alter the things we cannot change. Life must go on. Why not make the most of it with the ones we love?
There’s a hole in my head.
There’s a hollow place in my temporal lobe.
A faulty memory, after surgery was a nuisance.
Yet, I find myself three years later a better Einstein.
There’s less brain matter in my head.
And there’s more space for my cerebrum to wiggle.
But I find myself with more intellect than some around me.
There are certain people with no hole in their heads.
Their brain matter at 100% capacity.
Yet, I find them no closer than having the intelligence of a simpleton.
Did brain surgery leave me smarter, or did it show me how to tell the dumb ones from the smart ones?