Monday Reflections: Monday Blues

I hold my breath and close my eyes hoping the pain will come and go. I try to go on as if it was just another day. There is no denying that the sunset has left and the sunrise has followed. It is another day, but it’s another day without you here. When I read the text message last night, disbelief is all I could feel. I didn’t cry. I didn’t get angry or ask why. I replied to my sister saying to let me know when the funeral arrangements would take place. I said goodnight and went to bed.

Today, I sit at my desk trying to hold back the tears. It’s not like I didn’t see it coming. You weren’t doing well, and the doctors said it would be a matter of days, but I wish they hadn’t been right.

I think about the last time I saw you and how now I never will. You grew up with my family. You were one of us kids. You were my brother’s best friend and a big brother to my sister and I. You made us laugh and helped us beat up our brother because he was too big. You were there to pick us up when we needed a ride from school. I still remember the white mustang waiting for us outside of school. Out of that small, two door car, two big, bald guys would get off to let us in the back seat. It was hilarious to see you both get out of such a small car.

As we grew up, you were there for all the milestones. My sweet fifteen, high school graduation, college graduation and wedding. Even through the difficult times, when my grandparents and great-aunt passed away, you never failed to pay your respects and give us a warm embrace.

Life is funny and has a way of bringing the smallest memory back to light. Each of those memories will make me laugh because of all the dumb things you and my brother would say. Those memories will also make me cry because your life was cut way too short, and we won’t be able to make new ones.

I’m not sure why things happen the way they do, but I do know you were a wonderful person and a great friend. Others might have thought you were a rough, tough guy, but those who knew you well, will remember the big teddy bear inside.

Missing Grandma

Four years have come and gone.
1,460 days have arrived and passed.

Time wasted no time to stand still.
The world just kept turning round.

For 35,040 hours, I’ve missed you.
For 2,102,400 minutes, my heart has ached.

I know you’re in a better place.
I know your pain is no more.

But I wish I could hug you one more time.
I wish I could see your beautiful smile.

Time hasn’t eased the pain,
But it also hasn’t erased the memories.

Those dear moments will keep you alive.
And Grandma, I will always love you.

This is for you, the one I never got to meet.

I could see your bright smile long before I ever saw your face.

I could hear your cries and sobs because you needed a diaper change.

I could feel your warm hugs when you needed my comforting embrace.

I could imagine all the memories we’d create through the years.

I could picture you reaching all your milestones.

I could. I could. But I didn’t get to.

I love you even though I never got to meet you, and I always will.

I’ll tell those that come after you how special you are to me.

A piece of you will always be in my heart, and I will never forget you.

When I give my last breath, we will finally meet.

In paradise, I promise to make up for all lost time.

I will hold you, make you smile and laugh.

Because that’s what mommies are supposed to do.

I wish I could say life is a bed of roses without thorns, but this would be a lie. My older sister was in her second trimester when she lost her twin daughters. My friend was just five weeks pregnant when she had her first miscarriage.

Besides being a mom to a kid with four paws, I have no children of my own. I’ve never experienced life growing in my womb, but I still feel a sense of loss. I can imagine my two eight-year-old nieces pleading for me to make them another tea party. I can picture their poor drawn color penciled Happy Birthday and Valentines Day cards, which would say I was their greatest aunt, or maybe even their best friend. Those cards would mean the world to me more than any beautifully crafted Hallmark card.

For all the moms who’ve lived this nightmare, I cannot say that I know what you are going through. I cannot say that I know exactly how it feels, but I do know that you aren’t alone. The world might feel a little more broken, but your family and friends are there to help you through it all.

Life is a bed of roses filled with painful thorns, but it’s still beautiful. Roses are wonderful, and need someone to tend to them. Let those who love you be your gardeners to help put yourself back together again.

Monday Reflections: Time

Time does not yield, much less stop.
It’s always moving
It’s always passing.

Time isn’t something we can hold onto.
It isn’t tangible.
It isn’t reversible.

Time doesn’t tell us how much we’ve been given.
It could be today or tomorrow.
It could be years from now.

Time is a mystery so we should live it like tomorrow might never come.

Fourth of July Memories

IMG_4147

It’s that time again when smoke from hot grills surround us. The smell of barbecue fills the air and lit up multi-colored fireworks can be seen in the sky.

Today is the Fourth of July!

Today, the US flag is held up high, as we remember our nation’s history, and how today marks our independence day. It’s a day where we can smile because we are Americans!

However, as I think about today, I remember the call I received one year ago. I remember how, amongst her sobs, my sister said my grandmother had just passed away.

Fourth of July will never be the same again, but I know she wouldn’t want it to be any different. Although my heart aches, I need to make today special because she was very special. She was wonderful, and her presence lit up the sky more than any firework could.

My grandmother was bright and beautiful, and it only makes sense that she would go this day. She deserved to leave this world with a bang. She deserved her independence from this life so she could move on to one eternal.

As I stare at the fireworks today, I’ll remember that she’s amongst the stars, and she’s shining brighter than ever!

 

 

Death.

As I attempt to organize and free up space on my laptop, I stumbled upon this. I wrote it right after my grandfather’s passing, and the words ring true right now more than ever. This month is the 8th anniversary of my grandfather’s death, and in a few days, it will be two-months since my grandmother passed away. Continue reading

Monday Reflections: Life

Park and Storms

When life gets blue and the sun is nowhere to be found. Sit on a bench and let your thoughts run loose.

Somewhere amongst the shades and slight breeze, you’ll find a way to smile through your grief.

It might take more than a moment, maybe even years. But I know you can get there, even through your tears.

Think about the good and the bad. Think about the happy and the sad. Darkness will dampen our spirits, but light will turns things ’round.

So sit on a bench, as the storm passes through. Before you know it, complete you’ll be once again.

Monday Reflections: Life and Death

Red

Life begins with an inhale and ends with an exhale, and at both moments, tears are shed. Happy tears welcome the newborn baby. Melancholy tears bid a loved one farewell. While we look forward to the former and dread the coming of the latter, we can’t deny that both hold lovely memories.

The beginning brings out hope in the gloomiest of places. The smile on a baby’s face shows us a future full of dreams and laughter. The conclusion offers a sense of reflection where we realize how our strength through pain isn’t all that miserable, but rewarding.

From the start to the finish, there is beauty throughout. Love is the glue for the happy and the sad. One without the other, simply wouldn’t work. Things don’t always turn out as expected, but love remains the same. In that love, we can find happiness despite anything.

I can’t deny that it deeply hurts when those we love come to pass. As I write this, I remember the pearlized, pink coffin. Surrounded by calla lilies and red roses, she looked lovely dressed in her favorite red, silk dress. I see her pleasant smile and porcelain doll reflection. I miss her now and forever will, but I will never forget her. My love for her then and now remains the same. It is my love, which will keep her memories alive.

We inhale and exhale. We are young and get old. Life is meant to have a beginning and an end, and today I reflect on that.