I had been running like a predator after a prey for far too long. More sunsets had taken place than I could count, and I could barely recognize myself. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know where I belonged. I just knew I was tired of going nowhere. It was time to break the shackles I had gotten myself into. I needed to get out of this abyss of angry solitude.
This is the untold tale of epilepsy and how I survived it.
* * *
I stand North of the pond and throw a pebble in the water. Ripples soon begin to form. A slight breeze from the East follows. Another set of waves is sent into motion. They both have the same effect on the still water, and right in the middle where they collide, the once synchronized currents are thrown into disorder. The chaos resembles much like my seizures.
I look at my reflection. I see a face covered with a pink leathery skin. Purple veins bleed through the skin and pitch black eyes stare back at me. An evil smile follows.
Epilepsy. I’m not sure when I became host to this parasite. I feel it taking over the nerve cell activity in the brain. It extends and affects my nervous system causing abnormal behavior. It consumes me and seizures begin.
It haunts my every movement. It leaves me unconscious, and I can’t recount most of what happens because of the lapses in time. How can you fight a war that appears invisible? No one else can see it, and it’s yours alone.
Levetiracetam. Lamotrigine. Clonazepam. These are my weapons. These are the only ones I have, but they are simply just not enough.
I have patience. I really do, but sometimes it’s more than I can bear. This struggle is my known secret that I’m afraid to share with the world. I keep replaying that timeless moment when I awoke to the sounds of sirens and paramedics. I’m stuck in it, but I need to move on.
Since the beginning, I told myself, I wouldn’t let it overcome me. I look at myself now and realize that I’ve successfully failed. Regret of letting this neurological disorder take ahold of me soars within. The brain is the source for my epilepsy. None other than myself causes these unprovoked and recurring electrical events. I know I didn’t ask for this to happen. I have the power to control them. I just need to keep reminding myself. Anger wasn’t going to get me anywhere. If I was going to persevere, I needed to embrace the pain and learn from it.
* * *
Understanding my epilepsy is crucial in figuring out how to remove the seizures. My life had turned itself upside down in an instant, but I knew it would take more than an instant to figure it all out.
I have gone through the stages of denial and anger. It was now time for the upward turn where I would work through this and accept what was to come.
Everything looks a little brighter, if you stare long enough to see the sun beyond the clouds. Everything becomes lighter when you stop to realize the weight of the world has fallen off your shoulders.
Looking back at these past five years, I realize I could have had it worse. Once I let the anger subside, I let myself hold onto hope. With time, I learned I needed to go through all the tests and medications to get better and find a solution.
The in between is a long one. Putting it into words will take some time, but do note the following.
* * *
The PET Scan – positron emission tomography. It is a test used to diagnose health conditions, as well as finding out how existing conditions have developed overtime. In my case, it will help find the unhealthy part of my brain that is causing all my seizures.
Gamma radiation. It didn’t give me the ability to yield great power. What it did give me was the location for the problem.
I couldn’t blame the PET scan for the monster in my head. It had always been there. The continual EEGs, MRIs, CT scans were among the reason’s for the monster’s revolt. However, it wasn’t prepared for what the PET had to offer. It didn’t understand how now I had the surgical decision to make it go away.
I had found its weakness, and I will do everything in my power to end it. I will make sure my brain starts to smile!
Life: Crossed Out and Rewritten 