I left off at the beginning last time so this is sometime in between. Over the past years, I’ve undergone several tests to help prepare me for surgery. Looking back at them now, the order has become blurred. Yet, there is always something that stands out of any pile of mess. Here is mine.
Flashback – I don’t remember when 2013.
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The alarm clock rings. 7:15 am. “I still have 15 more minutes,” she says.
The alarm clock rings again. 7:30 am. “No, no, no. I don’t want to get up!” she says.
Nonetheless, she gets up to her usual routine. Brush teeth. Check. Take a shower. Check. Put makeup on. Check. Find something remotely comfortable to wear. “Umm. Not this one. Nope, this one won’t do either. Black shirt and blue leggings! Ok, that’s good.” Change of clothes. Check!
Four years ago, she was a child prodigy. She was the definition of excellence. Her talents were beyond measure. How could someone so humble radiate so much perfection?
Wait! Does that even make sense? Let’s try this again, and this time it will just be the plain and simple truth.
It’s just another normal day in my life as an epileptic princess, but today I feel much more energized than I have felt in a long time. Today I feel like I have (and can) overcome any battle, a bigger one than that of a Time War. These past three months have been spent going from doctor to doctor, from hospital to hospital, from appointment to appointment and test after test. I hope this is the last one, well at least until the next big set comes along.
The PET Scan – positron emission tomography. It is a test used to diagnose health conditions, as well as finding out how existing conditions have developed overtime. In my case, it will help the doctors find the unhealthy part of my brain, which is causing all my seizures.
I have become used to the common pricking and prodding by technicians. There is now a sense of comfort in the bright fluorescent lights and paleness of every room. The people in scrubs and medical coats feel more like caring advisers and even friends.
I like to think that nothing can bring me down today. A PET Scan is one of the best things that could possibly happen. If you’re an avid superhero geek, Marvel, DC or both, you will never want to miss a chance to jump up and become the next Protector of the World!
When my doctor tried to explain to me the process of a PET Scan, there are only two words that stood out and the only two that have lingered in my mind since they were said. GAMMA RADIATION!
Hulk Smash!!! Hulk Smash!!! Aaargghh!!! Smash!!!!!
I entered the testing room with a pounding in my heart growing faster and faster. It was not fear that I felt. It was the adrenaline rushing with excitement. In the next couple hours, I would have a power beyond my imagination!
I don’t like needles. I don’t think I ever will, but sacrifices must be made. As the needle pierced my skin, a fiery-tingling sensation shot straight from my arm to my chest. It spread like wildfire throughout the rest of my body.
Inside me, every particle was at war. Which side would win? Pain soared throughout me. Why would I do this? What insanity was this? Agony, pure agony was all that could be felt. My vision was blurred. Was I alive? Was I dead?
I tried to get off the bed. For a second, I felt composure. I saw the technician before me. His face was full of fright. Why would he look at me that way? Help! Help! I screamed. HELP!!!
As I moved closer, he moved back. Unable to move any further, he ran for the nearest exit. Stumbling everywhere, there I was. I continued walking. The counter I saw when I entered the room shouldn’t be so far away. Owww!!!! The pain! It’s a mortifying and lethal pain. If this wasn’t death, what else could it be?
The intense sensation continued inside of me. Something was pounding its way out of my body. Every muscle felt like it was tearing. I could hear the fracturing bones. The counter! I could see it now. I reached forward to touch it and it crumbled down just like Styrofoam. I reached out again. Quickly as I held it, it came cascading down. And then I heard it, that deafening sound.
AAARGGHH!!!!… AAARGGHH!!!!… AAARGGHH!!!
I was in a daze of pain, fatigue and torment. Those screams! Why will they not stop!!! Something was not right here. This was supposed to be a simple procedure. And…AAARGGHH!!! This place felt unfamiliar, but I know I had not moved. AAARGGHH!!! My legs slowly regained their strength. Their strength was heavier than they had ever been before. AAARGGHH!!! There! I could see a faucet. My throat felt soar and dry. Water! Yes, water! This should bring me back to my senses. AAARGGHH!!! AAARGGHH!!! AAARGGHH!!!
My movement faster and faster it became. I grabbed ahold of the faucet to turn it on, but broke the handle instead. Water splashed across my face. Why did everything I touch break? Why did I feel stronger, but so thirsty, so hungry so very, very thirsty and hungry at the same time.
AAARGGHH!!! AAARGGHH!!! AAARGGHH!!!
Who made that terrifying sound? Stop it!!!!!! Just stop it!!!!!!!! Slowly the pain seemed to falter. I felt more alive than I ever had, but I was more than alive. I was angry! Fury made its way out of me as everything else faded. I wasn’t in pain. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t anything, but ANGRY!!!!
AAARGGHH!!! AAARGGHH!!! AAARGGHH!!! AAARGGHH!!! AAARGGHH!!!
AAARGGHH!!! AAARGGHH!!! AAARGGHH!!! AAARGGHH!!!
Swinging my arms from side to side, I felt like bringing everything down. Walking out the room, I glanced at the mirror. Stopping for just a second, I stepped in for a closer view. I couldn’t recognize myself. What is that horrendous beast staring at me? What kind of monster is it? AAARGGHH!!! AAARGGHH!!! Looking at myself, those screams were mine. AAARGGHH!!!
In an instant, I felt a flicker of fright and pain. This isn’t me! This isn’t me! I am just a girl who came in for a PET scan. I stared back at those pitch black eyes. I could see myself inside. GAMMA RADIATION. Gamma radiation. I had asked for it, had I not?
AAARGGHH!!! It gave me an evil smirk. AAARGGHH!!!
I guess I found out who’d won. I was the monster. I was now this wild and angry beast. What had I become? I wasn’t the Protector of the World! I was a monster and nothing more.
AAARGGHH!!! It screamed at me. AAARGGHH!!!
It walked away screaming at the entire world. Inside, there was fury, rage, and a burning maddening flame; but, tugged in very deep, there was also a small spark. A little piece of life and love remained. Over time, it would grow into so much more. Monster, you may have won now, but remember this. In the end, a princess always wins, a princess that is used to battling abnormal electrical activity in her brain. And just by coincidence, I happen to be just the right one.